West to Consider Meeting ISIS Demands?

Dear Virtual Editor:

OK. I am back.  I still know why Jon Stewart left the Daily Show and there is certainly not much good news lately.  But we all have a duty to continue, in our own small way, the fake news legacy he bequeathed us.

BREAKING FAKE NEWS!

(FNS Worldwide)   West to Consider Meeting ISIS Demands

In the wake of the Paris attacks, investigators have uncovered an apparently authentic list of ISIS demands. Lowly placed sources have leaked this document:

Islamic State flag waving on the wind

Whereas Western powers have killed upward of 20,000 ISIS (aka ISIL, aka Heroes) fighters and

Whereas these casualties require ongoing replacements in the fight to establish the glorious Caliphate and resist the Crusaders, we demand that the West take the following actions to ensure that our numbers can be sustained and even grow:

1.     We demand that you invade with ground forces. At the very least, we demand that you intensify your bombing campaign and if possible kill even more civilians.

2.     We demand that you enact laws to further restrict the civil liberties of your citizens, administer them in an even more discriminatory manner, and spend even greater sums of money on safety measures that can never completely guarantee that there will never be another attack. Keep your population fearful and angry. We will do our part by posting videos of more barbaric acts and making threats.

3.     We demand that you get over the photo of the dead child on the beach and seal your borders.  Do not accept refugees. Play up that a few of us might be among them. Keep up the rhetoric if you like, but continue to default on pledges of aid. Above all, ignore refugee camps in the region. Pay no attention to the fact that Jordan is trying to care for refugees equaling 20% of its population.  Heed this demand. This is where we get our people.

f-35a-07

 

4.     We demand that you continue to spend billions on weapons (the $40 billion for the F-35 fighter was a nice touch) and continue to allow weapons to flow to all parties to the conflict in the region.

In sum, we demand that you escalate military action against us, ignore humanitarian crises, and never, ever, consider ending your part in the war. If we don’t have you guys to kick around, it is going to be difficult to keep this wonderful slaughter going.

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Reliable sources report that Republicans are urging the U.S. to give serious consideration to meeting these demands. Sen. McCain and Donald Trump will reportedly hold a joint news conference urging Democrats to get on board lest they appear “weak” as an election year approaches.

More fake news as it happens.

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