Refugee Interview Leaked!

Dear Virtual Editor:

Vetting

MORE BREAKING NEWS!  Fake News Service (FNS) has come into possession of an audio recording that appears to be a portion of the vetting interview of a Syrian refugee claimant.  The quality is poor and the only audible portion is the voice of the U.S. interrogator. FNS cannot verify its authenticity, having only checked it by CNN standards. Here is a transcript:

Good morning, Nala. I am agent Ted Trumpio, Dept. of Homeland Security and I will be your obstacle for today. Congratulations on passing the UN High Commission on Refugees screening and being referred to the U.S. for resettlement. Feels good to be alive, am I right? Would you like a cup of coffee? Do Muslims drink coffee? OK. Well, let me know if you need anything.

As you know, this process can take awhile. So far, the U.S. has taken 20,000 referrals from the UN. After two years of further vetting, I am happy to report that 2,000 of you have made it in. Just quickly doing the math on the 3-5 million people in camps in Turkey, Lebanon, and Jordan, we should be able to make a real dent in the backlog in about two centuries, three max. It’s all part of our long humanitarian tradition.

So…. When I am through you will be asked pretty much the same questions by the State Dept, NSA, DEA, SPCA, Pascagoula Miss. Chamber of Commerce, George Pataki campaign and the League of Women Voters in Duluth.  So let’s get started.

I understand your husband was killed when the building he was working in exploded, right? And we don’t know whether it was an ISIS car bomb, a Syrian barrel bomb, a bomb or missile dropped by the U.S., France, Russia, whoever. No matter. Anyway, it’s a good thing.

Why are you crying? 

No. No. Sorry. I don’t mean it’s a good thing your husband is dead. I mean it’s a good thing for your refugee application. It’s also a good thing you have two young daughters. We don’t take men, or boys old enough to wear shoes or carry their own liquids.

Now before we get down to the hard questions, out of the goodness of my heart I want to give you some tips on assimilating and becoming part of this great land of freedom and justice. OK?

First, have you thought about becoming a Christian? I have a number of pamphlets here from fundamentalists groups that I am required to show you.  Just skip the section on abortion and the pictures of fetuses and read the part about how Jesus will tell you who your enemies are and what to do with them. I probably don’t need to explain the bible verses about women—Eve being the one who brought sin into the world— and the quotes from St. Paul about women being obedient, in case you find another husband.  Anyway, I am sure Christianity will be better for you than that Maria law or whatever.

Second, as you may know, Americans are generally acting like a nation of cowards these days, so a couple of tips. If you stick to being a Muslim, which I don’t recommend, you will be allowed to worship at a mosque, but be sure the Imam says it is safe. We don’t call them terrorist attacks, of course, but we have had a bit of firebombing and arson at mosques lately. Likewise, if you insist on wearing that hijab, or whatever that thing is, don’t bother trying to travel by plane. And if you are on any public transportation you might want to bring along some earplugs and a towel. There may be a bit of jeering and spitting. 

Finally, if you do make it in, I don’t know what state you will go to. Most of the governors are trying to keep you out, but their fence construction budgets are a little thin now so I’m sure you will find a place.  I don’t know what the laws will be when you arrive but the first thing to do is find out whether you will be required to own or carry a gun. If not, I recommend getting one anyway. There are still a few gun shops around that have not been declared Muslim free zones. There is no better way to become part of this great country than owning your own piece— or several.

Oh. Actually one more thing. If you are ever finally approved you will probably have to fly into the country.  Be very careful about any travel agency you use. If the agency has ever booked a flight to anywhere for someone on our no-fly list, you may be disqualified or have to start the whole process again. We would hate to see that happen, of course, but I’m sure you understand that the safety of the American people is our first priority.

No need to thank me. Let’s get down to business. Do your daughters have shoes? Have they ever played with plastic? What about their underwear?…………..[INAUDIBLE]

  ________

FNS will keep you updated on further details of the ongoing effort to protect Americans as they happen.

In related news, Republican candidates asked about the interview called it an example of totally inadequate and weak administration policy, stating that the danger to Americans is plainly the result of Obamacare and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

 

 

 

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