Happy New Year News?

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Dear Virtual Editor:

As we approach the New Year, an important story is developing. Fake New Service (FNS) has learned that secret negotiations are underway that could soon end the US division over guns. An intrepid FNS investigative reporter has incomplete but stunning information about the progress of the talks.  Here is the very latest, as reported by FNS Ongoing Insanity Correspondent Nita Newclip:

What I can tell you is that negotiations have been ongoing for several months. They have been tense but the parties are near agreement. The negotiators on one side (the Shootemups) include Wayne LaPierre, representing the government; Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, representing the executive compliance division of the government, and Ben Carson, who wanders in and out from time to time.  The other side (Cutyerlosses) is a team that includes Jim Brady Jr., son of Reagan aide Jim Brady, and three citizens randomly selected from the shrinking pool of non-gun owners.

answer-to-gun-violenceNegotiators are reported to be finding common ground in the mantra “Guns Everywhere” and its axiom that the solution to the problem of gun violence is to arm more people. The draft agreement suggests that both sides have made significant concessions. The Cutyerlosses camp has essentially agreed to the overall “guns everywhere” approach. In return, in the conciliatory spirit of the season, the Shootemups have agreed to provide AK 47’s to every US Planned Parenthood clinic, Glock 9 handguns to every black male between age 14-28, and  .22 calibre pistols to every US Muslim. 

 Negotiations have been difficult and there is still not agreement on some details. Examples include: 1. Who will pay for ammunition, including the “little bitty bullets” Nancy Reagan referred to for the .22? 2.  Is it better for black males to have concealed carry or open carry permits?  Spokespersons for each side, however, are confident that these and other details can be worked out in time for an announcement on 3 April 2016, the first anniversary of the death of Jim Brady’s mother, Sarah.

FNS will keep you updated on further developments in this promising story.

Happy New Year

 

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